Sunday, August 26, 2007

Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain

School is back in session. I guess you can tell by my long absence from blog-world. TJ and I are at it again, busier than ever before, due to some changes to the schedule that are not necessarily in our favor. But, God has led us to it, and He can certainly see us through it. Matt is enjoying his new position as high school director at Dumas. Other than the general grind, there is one thing that's been looming over Matt's and my heads recently.


We've faced our first bout with religious persecution as a couple. Because of our stand for Christ, some people close to us said some truly hurtful things to us last weekend. It came as quite a shock to us, because these people have never shown this attitude toward us before. I guess their "true colors" are shining through now. Basically, they believe that I have corrupted Matt by marrying him and leading him to Christ. They believe that his current behavior (going to church faithfully, praying, serving God, following biblical truths, etc.) are a direct result of his association with me, as if I've inducted him into some kind of cult.

Matt was told, "Ever since you married Carrie, you're different than you used to be. She's changed you." Matt's response (God bless him) was, "No, Carrie hasn't changed me. Jesus has." Yes, this situation was an incredible shock and painful at first, but now we see the real reason. Those people don't know Christ. I am praising God right now, even as I type this, that God used my Christian witness (humble, weak, and flawed as it may be), and the light of Jesus shining through me, along with the Holy Spirit to convict the hearts of these lost people. How wonderful to know that I can be used by God in His service! I am continually amazed that His word has such power.

I am asking you first to pray for these dear lost people that they might find Jesus precious to their souls before it's everlastingly too late. Please pray for us also that God will give us the words to say and the courage to say them when it's time. They are currently not speaking to us, but I believe God will open a door for us to witness, and when that time comes, we want people praying for us that we might have speaking grace!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

My Sleepy Boys


I just had to post this picture of my two boys. We have two cats, Louie and Ella. In the pic is Louie sleeping snuggled next to Matt, who is also sleeping. Sure wish I had a video of this, because if you had been there you would've heard both man and cat snoring LOUDLY. I couldn't hear the TV over them!! I finally gave up and started snapping pictures until Matt woke up and griped at me for taking pictures of him while sleeping. He really didn't want me to post this, but it was just too funny to pass up.
Things are going well 'round here. Getting everything ready for school has been somewhat smooth. I got lots of work done in the days I went to my office last week. I'm excited to get the year going. It's always nice to get back into the groove of things.
My spirits have been so lifted as a result of turning the fertility situation over to God. I am continually amazed at His provision. Ah, the blessings of life. I couldn't ask for a better cat . . . oops . . . I mean husband. ;-)

Monday, August 6, 2007

What does true friendship mean?

Someone hurt my feelings today. I have learned today that not everyone who claims to be a friend really has true and honest intentions. Sometimes people are self-serving in their devices, and I was on the receiving end of that today. I'm a very trusting person, though, and my feelings are tender sometimes. I won't go into much detail, because I don't wish to gossip, but I'll try to be as clear as possible about the details I will reveal. I will call the person who hurt me Friend A and the person he talked about Friend B.

Friend A told me that he had a discussion with Friend B about me. Friend A told me something that, had it been true, would've broken my heart. But, as it turns out, Friend A twisted the truth about Friend B, and colored the situation differently from reality. My feelings were hurt all day, until my husband said gently (at about 9:00, when he was ready to go to bed), "Good gracious, why don't you stop griping and call Friend B? Just ask what happened. Friend B will tell you the truth!"

So I did. And guess what? My husband was right. (I hate it when that happens!) Friend B told me the truth, which was very different from what Friend A told me. My fears were put to rest by Friend B, and the world looks rosy again. When am I gonna learn not to freak out until I know the whole story??

My question for today is this: what does true friendship mean? This is what I believe; feel free to comment about your thoughts on friendship.

*I believe true friends can trust each other to be honest, even when it's not so easy.
*I believe true friends care and are concerned about each other.
*I believe true friends cry with each other and laugh with each other.
*I believe true friends can depend on one another.
*I believe true friends can forgive each other.
*I believe true friends are loyal to each other.
*I believe true friends know all about you and like you in spite of all they know.
*I believe true friends are blessings from God.
*I believe "Friend B" is a true friend.

To those of you who have become "true friends" to me, thank you. You are blessings from God.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Peace that passes understanding

On my last post, I wrote that we would not continue medications. I cannot tell you what a peace has settled over me. I even feel ready to dive into getting back to work in August. God has blessed me so much, and to finally admit that I was trying to control this situation on my own terms and in my own time was just an absolutely freeing experience. How strange that admitting your sin to God and repenting is a cause for rejoicing. That is something only a child of God can feel!

Newsflash to me: I cannot control or change anything about having a child. God is the creator and giver of life, and to place this situation fully in His hands makes me feel so joyful. I am so glad that He loves me enough to take on all my troubles and deal with them Himself.

Placing this at the feet of the almighty God is not something that I can just do and be done with. I am constantly snatching back from Him the problems that I pray about. I must lay this at His feet daily. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I trust God, and I know that He is the only one who can solve this perfectly. AND HE WILL!!! PRAISE TO MY SAVIOR!!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Fresh Outlook

We have decided not to do the shots again. We will wait awhile, and as the Lord directs, we may consider them later, but not now. Even as Matt and I voiced this to each other, I felt relieved. It was almost as if a pressure had been lifted. Stopping medications won't solve my problems, but at least I feel a bit more in control of my own emotions. Yes, I was upset that the meds didn't work, but God was with me through it all. Even on the darkest of days, He's there comforting me and guiding my thoughts.

We are still thinking on the adoption issue. Matt had said at one time that if we had no children by the time we were 30, we would pour all energy and resources into adoption. On my next birthday (August 15) I will be 29. I don't know if he is still firm on what he promised, and I haven't asked him yet. But, I feel that with a little more than a year to go until that particular deadline, we still have plenty of time to pray, think, and talk more about this issue.

Thank you all for your prayers concerning my problems. They mean more to me than you could know. Please continue your prayers for Matt and me.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I apologize in advance

So we went to the doctor yesterday. All results, despite my terrible side effects, came back negative. Nothing happened. I am devastated. It took every ounce of will-power left in me to get out of bed and take a shower this morning. By the way, does it count as morning if it's past 11:30?

My doctor told me that he had never had a patient get this far without ovulating even one time. Wow, doc, thanks so much for letting me know that once again I am one in a million. He wants me to do shots. $75 a vial, 2 vials a day, 8 days of fun-filled injections, not covered by insurance. We can afford it (by draining our savings), but I'm not sure it's worth it. He sent me home with a prescription and "you just think about it this week and let me know what you want to do." Apparently the tears welling up in my eyes made him feel he needed to rush me out of the office before there was a scene.

So, I called my mom and cried. I called my sister and cried. I cried and cried all the way to Wal-mart in PB. Nobody knows what to say to me because there is nothing to say. Mom keeps gently suggesting adoption. I know she loves me, and hates to see me hurting. My sister summed it up best. Somewhere in our conversation she remarked, "Mom loves you. None of us knows what to say to help the situation, because there is nothing we can say or do to make your ovaries work. If I could do that, I'd have an answer. We all just say whatever we hope will make you feel better, because we know we can't change anything for you. We wish we could, and it's out of love that we say the things we say." I love my sister. She has always been my best friend, the one I tell everything to. She's had a hard life, and she's very wise.

Matt and I discussed at length our options when I finally calmed down enough to stop making that snubbing noise that you make when you've cried too hard.
1. wait and do nothing
2. take the shots and hope for the best
3. wait and look into preparing ourselves for adoption

I can't and don't want to take the meds right now. Not only is the cost prohibitive (though Matt says it's my decision and $$ should not enter into it), but I'd be smack dab in the middle of school starting when I would need to make several doctor's visits. I know TJ would cover without complaint, but I hate doing that to him. I can't face the shots right now. My heart hurts too much.

I don't want to do option #1 either. I don't want to give up on everything, and that would feel too much like giving up.

Preparing ourselves and our house for adoption is something we've been discussing for awhile now. I'll leave that there.

Matt has been taking care of me every step of the way, and I'm so grateful, but I'm tired of feeling like I need to be taken care of. I want to be healthy. I want to look at pregnant women and not feel as if I should turn and run. I want to go to baby showers again instead of sending a gift because "I just can't take it." I want to go to my own baby shower!!!! I want it to be my turn!! I want my body to work properly. I guess I'm selfish.

Again, sorry for the ramblings this post has produced. I need prayer.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Randomness

Well, my blues have subsided. I figured out that the current fertility meds that I was on may have something to do with my . . . well, let's just call them "problems." My husband is AMAZING. Never in my life have I met a man with such patience, such loving tenderness, such patience, such kindness, such PATIENCE as this wonderful man I'm married to. He has dealt with MUCH JUNK the past two weeks with my many issues, and he has handled each "issue" (a.k.a. rant-n-rave fest) with dignity and a caring heart. He loves me, and he constantly reminds me how proud he is of what I'm going through for us to have a child. I'm tellin' ya, ladies, this man meant what he said when he said "for better or worse." God truly blessed me with this man, and oh, what a Christian man he has become. I have no doubt that when God blesses us with children, he will be a much better parent than I could even imagine.

I go back to the fertility doctor again tomorrow to see if the meds are working, and then we try. I'm not totally sure, but judging from the symptoms, I really think these meds are doing something. Boy, have the side effects been tough. For two solid days and nights, I couldn't calm down enough to sleep at all. I kept having anxiety attacks and mood swings, and have generally felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. It's better now, though, thanks to tylenol pm (as prescribed by my doctor) and my dear husband. I don't normally like to take meds of any kind, but after two days of no sleep and constant anxiety from lack of sleep, I thought I might need a little help. Last night I slept the whole night through with very little anxiety and no pills, so I'm thankful. More than anything else, I'm thankful that God sees me through each day. And thank goodness I'm not working right now, so I can go crazy in the privacy of my own home. (I would imagine TJ is thankful for that, too!)

Please continue to pray for us, fellow bloggers. I believe in the power of prayer, and I have witnessed answered prayers in my own life. God is very real, very much on His throne, and very much in control of my life. He will bless us when it's right because He cannot be wrong.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Summertime blues

Why do I do this to myself? Every summer it's the same song and dance. I get to July (which is uncomfortably close to school starting again), and I get down in the dumps. Frustrations over many unfulfilled dreams, two in particular, begin to surface once again, and my husband goes through his "I'll be supportive by making you get out of the house for awhile" phase. I play the "what if?" game with myself over and over, eventually coming to the conclusion that the days will keep on passing by, and soon I'll be up to my neck again with football games, marching contests, and band music.

I have two major goals that I have never even attempted to fulfill. Both of these goals are career-related, and let's just leave it there. I only discuss these goals with my husband, so I'll just refer to them as "the big two." Now before I launch further into my post, Brandy and TJ, if you're reading this, NO, this does not mean I am quitting or even entertaining the idea.

"The big two" are two things that I have always, always wanted to do. One of these "big two" was something that 2 high school teachers and 3 college professors told me I should be doing, something in which I would probably be very successful. (Disclaimer - the "big two" have absolutely nothing to do with anything illegal or otherwise degrading.) However, I went into college with the same head of steam as every other entering freshman and decided to go a different direction. Maybe I chose the other path because of an underlying fear of rejection, but nevertheless, here I sit . . . a band director, a teacher . . . wondering if I made the right choice.

This isn't just a case of "the grass may be greener." I LOVE MY JOB. The kids are amazing, and I am blessed to work in such a supportive environment. Music is, and always has been, an extremely important part of my life. But, every summer I go through this period of blue-ness as I examine what my life is, what it was, and what it may be in the future if I keep on this path.

That's when I begin to pray. The Lord helps me realize that He's led me here for a reason, and that His decisions are not based on my likes, dislikes, etc, but on His perfect plan for my life. That's when He reminds me to put the past behind, leave the future up to Him, and serve Him in the present. Eventually, I feel better, more joyful. August rolls around again, it all starts anew, and I jump into the crazy world of band directing with both feet and MUCH faith.

The longing for "the big two" doesn't ever stop, but it becomes bearable when I realize that God has a much bigger, better plan in mind for me. But that doesn't stop me from writing a cheezy blues song about it (and yes, I meant to have grammar mistakes in it). Feel free to sing this as you read. Have a friend sing the back-up singers' parts that are in parentheses. Harmonica optional.

Summertime Blues

Being a band director
Doesn't have many frills
It's alotta hard work
But it do pay the bills
Sometimes I get sweaty
Sometimes jus' plain mad
But that sho ain't what's makin' this girl feel just so sad

I got the blues
(summertime)
I got the blues
(summertime)
The "big two" blues
(summertime)
Oh, yeah
(summertime)
I got the big two wantin' schooltime's hauntin' summertime blues

Thank you fans. Next performance: tomorrow morning in the shower.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Do not stand between a woman on hormones and her ice cream

I am normally a very nice, pleasant, funny person. Normally, I can handle regular conversation with ease. Normally, little issues that arise are handled with sanity. Normally, I'm normal.

However, for about 2 years now, I've been on a permanent hormone trip. Fertility treatments involve lots of pills and injections that make this normally normal person absolutely insane. I'm happy . . . no, I'm sad . . . no, that's right, I'm angry . . . no, not angry, bitter . . . oops again, not bitter, just a little irritated . . . actually it's back to happy. . . excited . . . forgetful . . . what's my name again? . . . oh, I know I'm mad at my husband, but I forget why . . . you get the picture.

Today has been one such day. Sunday means church services, morning and night. I teach classes in both services, but this morning (I think by design), I didn't have to teach. I couldn't have taught the class even if I wanted to, because although I studied my lesson for an hour yesterday, I couldn't even tell you which testament (old or new) the text was in! Let's not even mention the fact that I had a terrible time playing the piano and kept making silly mistakes this morning because all I could think about was the fact that I felt so fat in the dress I was wearing! I'm surprised the choir kept up.

My husband is an innocent bystander in all this. Oh, by the way, I've been mad at him twice today for no apparent reason, and each time I'm angry, 5 minutes later I'm telling him how much in love with him I am.

I have to close this post now because what we're cooking isn't what I was craving, so now I'm tearing up. Is there a pill for the insane? I can't remember the point of this post. Ummmm. . .

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Nothing Profound

I'm new to this online blogging thing. I'm not trying to impress anyone with my profound and deep views of life. I know what I know, and I continue to learn. This just seemed like an easy outlet for a girl who has started dozens of journals in her lifetime, but never manages to get past the first few entries.

I'm a simple soul. I love the Lord with all my heart, and though I continually fail Him, I am so thankful that He hasn't ever failed me. I am grateful in the knowledge that He will not ever fail me.

There is one major issue in my existence, one huge problem that haunts me every single day, and that is the fact that this simple, God-fearin' girl doesn't have a child yet. I may or may not go into major details on this venue, but suffice it to say that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Allow me to quickly vent my (least) favorite comments regarding my situation from well-meaning, albeit uninformed, shall we call them "helpers?" (along with the ugly things I think, but don't say aloud):

**"Just relax and it will happen!" - What will happen? I will spontaneously ovulate, even though two years of medications, injections, and surgery haven't made that happen??? Ok, Doctor, I'll just relax! (note the sarcasm)

**"Stop thinking about it, and it will happen. You're thinking about it too much." - One of my favorites. Yes, you are correct. The fact that I haven't yet born a child is a direct result of my overactive mind.

**"Just adopt and you will end up pregnant." - This comment is usually followed by a miracle anecdote about a sister/cousin/coworker/aunt's brother's niece twice removed did the same thing and POP ended up pregnant. Wow! What a revelation! I didn't know that adoption was the answer to all forms of infertility! To think, I've been pouring money into medications when the answer was right there all along! I don't think this will stop the yearning I have to bear a child of my own. It's not that I don't think adoption is our answer; I just don't think it's our answer yet.

**"I don't think you've prayed about this enough" or "It's all in God's timing. Just be patient" - These and other such comments are so hurtful, because (and this may not have been their intent) they make me feel as if I'm being singled out as not having consulted God in all this. That because I haven't done my duty as a Christian, God has not granted me a child yet. I CONSULT GOD ABOUT MY SITUATION EVERYDAY. I believe He is the ultimate healer, and He alone is my strength. He isn't withholding blessings because I have not been a good enough Christian. If this were the case, NONE of us would EVER receive blessings. No one is "good enough." We are all sinners. God doesn't choose to bless only those who are righteous enough, because NO ONE is righteous enough. If any of us were righteous enough, we wouldn't need Him, and boy, do I need Him!!

**"Are you pregnant yet?" - Need I reply? This one is just ridiculous. Sometimes I want to say, "Why yes, I am. I'm actually 8 months pregnant with triplets. Can't you tell?" Or maybe I should just burst into tears and cry out, "Do I really look that fat???" I assure you that everyone in the state of Arkansas will hear me shout it from the rooftops when God blesses me with a child. There will be no need to ask such a question.

**"Take mine for the weekend. You'll be sending them back soon enough." - I wasn't aware that there were rental programs available . . . enuff said.

There are many, many more that I've personally been privileged to hear. Regardless of the sarcasm in my post, I really do understand that those who have said these things meant no harm. Most really do care about me and want to help. Sometimes, though, I just need a silent, listening ear. Prayer works, God sends down His comfort, and when I'm done ranting, He's there with a still, small voice reminding me of what's truly important.