Summertime blues

Why do I do this to myself? Every summer it's the same song and dance. I get to July (which is uncomfortably close to school starting again), and I get down in the dumps. Frustrations over many unfulfilled dreams, two in particular, begin to surface once again, and my husband goes through his "I'll be supportive by making you get out of the house for awhile" phase. I play the "what if?" game with myself over and over, eventually coming to the conclusion that the days will keep on passing by, and soon I'll be up to my neck again with football games, marching contests, and band music.

I have two major goals that I have never even attempted to fulfill. Both of these goals are career-related, and let's just leave it there. I only discuss these goals with my husband, so I'll just refer to them as "the big two." Now before I launch further into my post, Brandy and TJ, if you're reading this, NO, this does not mean I am quitting or even entertaining the idea.

"The big two" are two things that I have always, always wanted to do. One of these "big two" was something that 2 high school teachers and 3 college professors told me I should be doing, something in which I would probably be very successful. (Disclaimer - the "big two" have absolutely nothing to do with anything illegal or otherwise degrading.) However, I went into college with the same head of steam as every other entering freshman and decided to go a different direction. Maybe I chose the other path because of an underlying fear of rejection, but nevertheless, here I sit . . . a band director, a teacher . . . wondering if I made the right choice.

This isn't just a case of "the grass may be greener." I LOVE MY JOB. The kids are amazing, and I am blessed to work in such a supportive environment. Music is, and always has been, an extremely important part of my life. But, every summer I go through this period of blue-ness as I examine what my life is, what it was, and what it may be in the future if I keep on this path.

That's when I begin to pray. The Lord helps me realize that He's led me here for a reason, and that His decisions are not based on my likes, dislikes, etc, but on His perfect plan for my life. That's when He reminds me to put the past behind, leave the future up to Him, and serve Him in the present. Eventually, I feel better, more joyful. August rolls around again, it all starts anew, and I jump into the crazy world of band directing with both feet and MUCH faith.

The longing for "the big two" doesn't ever stop, but it becomes bearable when I realize that God has a much bigger, better plan in mind for me. But that doesn't stop me from writing a cheezy blues song about it (and yes, I meant to have grammar mistakes in it). Feel free to sing this as you read. Have a friend sing the back-up singers' parts that are in parentheses. Harmonica optional.

Summertime Blues

Being a band director
Doesn't have many frills
It's alotta hard work
But it do pay the bills
Sometimes I get sweaty
Sometimes jus' plain mad
But that sho ain't what's makin' this girl feel just so sad

I got the blues
(summertime)
I got the blues
(summertime)
The "big two" blues
(summertime)
Oh, yeah
(summertime)
I got the big two wantin' schooltime's hauntin' summertime blues

Thank you fans. Next performance: tomorrow morning in the shower.

Do not stand between a woman on hormones and her ice cream

I am normally a very nice, pleasant, funny person. Normally, I can handle regular conversation with ease. Normally, little issues that arise are handled with sanity. Normally, I'm normal.

However, for about 2 years now, I've been on a permanent hormone trip. Fertility treatments involve lots of pills and injections that make this normally normal person absolutely insane. I'm happy . . . no, I'm sad . . . no, that's right, I'm angry . . . no, not angry, bitter . . . oops again, not bitter, just a little irritated . . . actually it's back to happy. . . excited . . . forgetful . . . what's my name again? . . . oh, I know I'm mad at my husband, but I forget why . . . you get the picture.

Today has been one such day. Sunday means church services, morning and night. I teach classes in both services, but this morning (I think by design), I didn't have to teach. I couldn't have taught the class even if I wanted to, because although I studied my lesson for an hour yesterday, I couldn't even tell you which testament (old or new) the text was in! Let's not even mention the fact that I had a terrible time playing the piano and kept making silly mistakes this morning because all I could think about was the fact that I felt so fat in the dress I was wearing! I'm surprised the choir kept up.

My husband is an innocent bystander in all this. Oh, by the way, I've been mad at him twice today for no apparent reason, and each time I'm angry, 5 minutes later I'm telling him how much in love with him I am.

I have to close this post now because what we're cooking isn't what I was craving, so now I'm tearing up. Is there a pill for the insane? I can't remember the point of this post. Ummmm. . .

Nothing Profound

I'm new to this online blogging thing. I'm not trying to impress anyone with my profound and deep views of life. I know what I know, and I continue to learn. This just seemed like an easy outlet for a girl who has started dozens of journals in her lifetime, but never manages to get past the first few entries.

I'm a simple soul. I love the Lord with all my heart, and though I continually fail Him, I am so thankful that He hasn't ever failed me. I am grateful in the knowledge that He will not ever fail me.

There is one major issue in my existence, one huge problem that haunts me every single day, and that is the fact that this simple, God-fearin' girl doesn't have a child yet. I may or may not go into major details on this venue, but suffice it to say that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Allow me to quickly vent my (least) favorite comments regarding my situation from well-meaning, albeit uninformed, shall we call them "helpers?" (along with the ugly things I think, but don't say aloud):

**"Just relax and it will happen!" - What will happen? I will spontaneously ovulate, even though two years of medications, injections, and surgery haven't made that happen??? Ok, Doctor, I'll just relax! (note the sarcasm)

**"Stop thinking about it, and it will happen. You're thinking about it too much." - One of my favorites. Yes, you are correct. The fact that I haven't yet born a child is a direct result of my overactive mind.

**"Just adopt and you will end up pregnant." - This comment is usually followed by a miracle anecdote about a sister/cousin/coworker/aunt's brother's niece twice removed did the same thing and POP ended up pregnant. Wow! What a revelation! I didn't know that adoption was the answer to all forms of infertility! To think, I've been pouring money into medications when the answer was right there all along! I don't think this will stop the yearning I have to bear a child of my own. It's not that I don't think adoption is our answer; I just don't think it's our answer yet.

**"I don't think you've prayed about this enough" or "It's all in God's timing. Just be patient" - These and other such comments are so hurtful, because (and this may not have been their intent) they make me feel as if I'm being singled out as not having consulted God in all this. That because I haven't done my duty as a Christian, God has not granted me a child yet. I CONSULT GOD ABOUT MY SITUATION EVERYDAY. I believe He is the ultimate healer, and He alone is my strength. He isn't withholding blessings because I have not been a good enough Christian. If this were the case, NONE of us would EVER receive blessings. No one is "good enough." We are all sinners. God doesn't choose to bless only those who are righteous enough, because NO ONE is righteous enough. If any of us were righteous enough, we wouldn't need Him, and boy, do I need Him!!

**"Are you pregnant yet?" - Need I reply? This one is just ridiculous. Sometimes I want to say, "Why yes, I am. I'm actually 8 months pregnant with triplets. Can't you tell?" Or maybe I should just burst into tears and cry out, "Do I really look that fat???" I assure you that everyone in the state of Arkansas will hear me shout it from the rooftops when God blesses me with a child. There will be no need to ask such a question.

**"Take mine for the weekend. You'll be sending them back soon enough." - I wasn't aware that there were rental programs available . . . enuff said.

There are many, many more that I've personally been privileged to hear. Regardless of the sarcasm in my post, I really do understand that those who have said these things meant no harm. Most really do care about me and want to help. Sometimes, though, I just need a silent, listening ear. Prayer works, God sends down His comfort, and when I'm done ranting, He's there with a still, small voice reminding me of what's truly important.