Sunday, August 26, 2007

Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain

School is back in session. I guess you can tell by my long absence from blog-world. TJ and I are at it again, busier than ever before, due to some changes to the schedule that are not necessarily in our favor. But, God has led us to it, and He can certainly see us through it. Matt is enjoying his new position as high school director at Dumas. Other than the general grind, there is one thing that's been looming over Matt's and my heads recently.

We've faced our first bout with religious persecution as a couple. Because of our stand for Christ, some people close to us said some truly hurtful things to us last weekend. It came as quite a shock to us, because these people have never shown this attitude toward us before. I guess their "true colors" are shining through now. Basically, they believe that I have corrupted Matt by marrying him and leading him to Christ. They believe that his current behavior (going to church faithfully, praying, serving God, following biblical truths, etc.) are a direct result of his association with me, as if I've inducted him into some kind of cult.

Matt was told, "Ever since you married Carrie, you're different than you used to be. She's changed you." Matt's response (God bless him) was, "No, Carrie hasn't changed me. Jesus has." Yes, this situation was an incredible shock and painful at first, but now we see the real reason. Those people don't know Christ. I am praising God right now, even as I type this, that God used my Christian witness (humble, weak, and flawed as it may be), and the light of Jesus shining through me, along with the Holy Spirit to convict the hearts of these lost people. How wonderful to know that I can be used by God in His service! I am continually amazed that His word has such power.

I am asking you first to pray for these dear lost people that they might find Jesus precious to their souls before it's everlastingly too late. Please pray for us also that God will give us the words to say and the courage to say them when it's time. They are currently not speaking to us, but I believe God will open a door for us to witness, and when that time comes, we want people praying for us that we might have speaking grace!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

My Sleepy Boys

I just had to post this picture of my two boys. We have two cats, Louie and Ella. In the pic is Louie sleeping snuggled next to Matt, who is also sleeping. Sure wish I had a video of this, because if you had been there you would've heard both man and cat snoring LOUDLY. I couldn't hear the TV over them!! I finally gave up and started snapping pictures until Matt woke up and griped at me for taking pictures of him while sleeping. He really didn't want me to post this, but it was just too funny to pass up.
Things are going well 'round here. Getting everything ready for school has been somewhat smooth. I got lots of work done in the days I went to my office last week. I'm excited to get the year going. It's always nice to get back into the groove of things.
My spirits have been so lifted as a result of turning the fertility situation over to God. I am continually amazed at His provision. Ah, the blessings of life. I couldn't ask for a better cat . . . oops . . . I mean husband. ;-)

Monday, August 6, 2007

What does true friendship mean?

Someone hurt my feelings today. I have learned today that not everyone who claims to be a friend really has true and honest intentions. Sometimes people are self-serving in their devices, and I was on the receiving end of that today. I'm a very trusting person, though, and my feelings are tender sometimes. I won't go into much detail, because I don't wish to gossip, but I'll try to be as clear as possible about the details I will reveal. I will call the person who hurt me Friend A and the person he talked about Friend B.

Friend A told me that he had a discussion with Friend B about me. Friend A told me something that, had it been true, would've broken my heart. But, as it turns out, Friend A twisted the truth about Friend B, and colored the situation differently from reality. My feelings were hurt all day, until my husband said gently (at about 9:00, when he was ready to go to bed), "Good gracious, why don't you stop griping and call Friend B? Just ask what happened. Friend B will tell you the truth!"

So I did. And guess what? My husband was right. (I hate it when that happens!) Friend B told me the truth, which was very different from what Friend A told me. My fears were put to rest by Friend B, and the world looks rosy again. When am I gonna learn not to freak out until I know the whole story??

My question for today is this: what does true friendship mean? This is what I believe; feel free to comment about your thoughts on friendship.

*I believe true friends can trust each other to be honest, even when it's not so easy.
*I believe true friends care and are concerned about each other.
*I believe true friends cry with each other and laugh with each other.
*I believe true friends can depend on one another.
*I believe true friends can forgive each other.
*I believe true friends are loyal to each other.
*I believe true friends know all about you and like you in spite of all they know.
*I believe true friends are blessings from God.
*I believe "Friend B" is a true friend.

To those of you who have become "true friends" to me, thank you. You are blessings from God.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Peace that passes understanding

On my last post, I wrote that we would not continue medications. I cannot tell you what a peace has settled over me. I even feel ready to dive into getting back to work in August. God has blessed me so much, and to finally admit that I was trying to control this situation on my own terms and in my own time was just an absolutely freeing experience. How strange that admitting your sin to God and repenting is a cause for rejoicing. That is something only a child of God can feel!

Newsflash to me: I cannot control or change anything about having a child. God is the creator and giver of life, and to place this situation fully in His hands makes me feel so joyful. I am so glad that He loves me enough to take on all my troubles and deal with them Himself.

Placing this at the feet of the almighty God is not something that I can just do and be done with. I am constantly snatching back from Him the problems that I pray about. I must lay this at His feet daily. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I trust God, and I know that He is the only one who can solve this perfectly. AND HE WILL!!! PRAISE TO MY SAVIOR!!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Fresh Outlook

We have decided not to do the shots again. We will wait awhile, and as the Lord directs, we may consider them later, but not now. Even as Matt and I voiced this to each other, I felt relieved. It was almost as if a pressure had been lifted. Stopping medications won't solve my problems, but at least I feel a bit more in control of my own emotions. Yes, I was upset that the meds didn't work, but God was with me through it all. Even on the darkest of days, He's there comforting me and guiding my thoughts.

We are still thinking on the adoption issue. Matt had said at one time that if we had no children by the time we were 30, we would pour all energy and resources into adoption. On my next birthday (August 15) I will be 29. I don't know if he is still firm on what he promised, and I haven't asked him yet. But, I feel that with a little more than a year to go until that particular deadline, we still have plenty of time to pray, think, and talk more about this issue.

Thank you all for your prayers concerning my problems. They mean more to me than you could know. Please continue your prayers for Matt and me.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I apologize in advance

So we went to the doctor yesterday. All results, despite my terrible side effects, came back negative. Nothing happened. I am devastated. It took every ounce of will-power left in me to get out of bed and take a shower this morning. By the way, does it count as morning if it's past 11:30?

My doctor told me that he had never had a patient get this far without ovulating even one time. Wow, doc, thanks so much for letting me know that once again I am one in a million. He wants me to do shots. $75 a vial, 2 vials a day, 8 days of fun-filled injections, not covered by insurance. We can afford it (by draining our savings), but I'm not sure it's worth it. He sent me home with a prescription and "you just think about it this week and let me know what you want to do." Apparently the tears welling up in my eyes made him feel he needed to rush me out of the office before there was a scene.

So, I called my mom and cried. I called my sister and cried. I cried and cried all the way to Wal-mart in PB. Nobody knows what to say to me because there is nothing to say. Mom keeps gently suggesting adoption. I know she loves me, and hates to see me hurting. My sister summed it up best. Somewhere in our conversation she remarked, "Mom loves you. None of us knows what to say to help the situation, because there is nothing we can say or do to make your ovaries work. If I could do that, I'd have an answer. We all just say whatever we hope will make you feel better, because we know we can't change anything for you. We wish we could, and it's out of love that we say the things we say." I love my sister. She has always been my best friend, the one I tell everything to. She's had a hard life, and she's very wise.

Matt and I discussed at length our options when I finally calmed down enough to stop making that snubbing noise that you make when you've cried too hard.
1. wait and do nothing
2. take the shots and hope for the best
3. wait and look into preparing ourselves for adoption

I can't and don't want to take the meds right now. Not only is the cost prohibitive (though Matt says it's my decision and $$ should not enter into it), but I'd be smack dab in the middle of school starting when I would need to make several doctor's visits. I know TJ would cover without complaint, but I hate doing that to him. I can't face the shots right now. My heart hurts too much.

I don't want to do option #1 either. I don't want to give up on everything, and that would feel too much like giving up.

Preparing ourselves and our house for adoption is something we've been discussing for awhile now. I'll leave that there.

Matt has been taking care of me every step of the way, and I'm so grateful, but I'm tired of feeling like I need to be taken care of. I want to be healthy. I want to look at pregnant women and not feel as if I should turn and run. I want to go to baby showers again instead of sending a gift because "I just can't take it." I want to go to my own baby shower!!!! I want it to be my turn!! I want my body to work properly. I guess I'm selfish.

Again, sorry for the ramblings this post has produced. I need prayer.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


Well, my blues have subsided. I figured out that the current fertility meds that I was on may have something to do with my . . . well, let's just call them "problems." My husband is AMAZING. Never in my life have I met a man with such patience, such loving tenderness, such patience, such kindness, such PATIENCE as this wonderful man I'm married to. He has dealt with MUCH JUNK the past two weeks with my many issues, and he has handled each "issue" (a.k.a. rant-n-rave fest) with dignity and a caring heart. He loves me, and he constantly reminds me how proud he is of what I'm going through for us to have a child. I'm tellin' ya, ladies, this man meant what he said when he said "for better or worse." God truly blessed me with this man, and oh, what a Christian man he has become. I have no doubt that when God blesses us with children, he will be a much better parent than I could even imagine.

I go back to the fertility doctor again tomorrow to see if the meds are working, and then we try. I'm not totally sure, but judging from the symptoms, I really think these meds are doing something. Boy, have the side effects been tough. For two solid days and nights, I couldn't calm down enough to sleep at all. I kept having anxiety attacks and mood swings, and have generally felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. It's better now, though, thanks to tylenol pm (as prescribed by my doctor) and my dear husband. I don't normally like to take meds of any kind, but after two days of no sleep and constant anxiety from lack of sleep, I thought I might need a little help. Last night I slept the whole night through with very little anxiety and no pills, so I'm thankful. More than anything else, I'm thankful that God sees me through each day. And thank goodness I'm not working right now, so I can go crazy in the privacy of my own home. (I would imagine TJ is thankful for that, too!)

Please continue to pray for us, fellow bloggers. I believe in the power of prayer, and I have witnessed answered prayers in my own life. God is very real, very much on His throne, and very much in control of my life. He will bless us when it's right because He cannot be wrong.