So we went to the doctor yesterday. All results, despite my terrible side effects, came back negative. Nothing happened. I am devastated. It took every ounce of will-power left in me to get out of bed and take a shower this morning. By the way, does it count as morning if it's past 11:30?
My doctor told me that he had never had a patient get this far without ovulating even one time. Wow, doc, thanks so much for letting me know that once again I am one in a million. He wants me to do shots. $75 a vial, 2 vials a day, 8 days of fun-filled injections, not covered by insurance. We can afford it (by draining our savings), but I'm not sure it's worth it. He sent me home with a prescription and "you just think about it this week and let me know what you want to do." Apparently the tears welling up in my eyes made him feel he needed to rush me out of the office before there was a scene.
So, I called my mom and cried. I called my sister and cried. I cried and cried all the way to Wal-mart in PB. Nobody knows what to say to me because there is nothing to say. Mom keeps gently suggesting adoption. I know she loves me, and hates to see me hurting. My sister summed it up best. Somewhere in our conversation she remarked, "Mom loves you. None of us knows what to say to help the situation, because there is nothing we can say or do to make your ovaries work. If I could do that, I'd have an answer. We all just say whatever we hope will make you feel better, because we know we can't change anything for you. We wish we could, and it's out of love that we say the things we say." I love my sister. She has always been my best friend, the one I tell everything to. She's had a hard life, and she's very wise.
Matt and I discussed at length our options when I finally calmed down enough to stop making that snubbing noise that you make when you've cried too hard.
1. wait and do nothing
2. take the shots and hope for the best
3. wait and look into preparing ourselves for adoption
I can't and don't want to take the meds right now. Not only is the cost prohibitive (though Matt says it's my decision and $$ should not enter into it), but I'd be smack dab in the middle of school starting when I would need to make several doctor's visits. I know TJ would cover without complaint, but I hate doing that to him. I can't face the shots right now. My heart hurts too much.
I don't want to do option #1 either. I don't want to give up on everything, and that would feel too much like giving up.
Preparing ourselves and our house for adoption is something we've been discussing for awhile now. I'll leave that there.
Matt has been taking care of me every step of the way, and I'm so grateful, but I'm tired of feeling like I need to be taken care of. I want to be healthy. I want to look at pregnant women and not feel as if I should turn and run. I want to go to baby showers again instead of sending a gift because "I just can't take it." I want to go to my own baby shower!!!! I want it to be my turn!! I want my body to work properly. I guess I'm selfish.
Again, sorry for the ramblings this post has produced. I need prayer.
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5 comments:
I will be thinking about you and praying for you...
Thank you so much.
quit apologizing, girl. not only can this blog be an outlet for you, but it allows others to see you, identify with you if they can...you minister to us by sharing your struggles. i'm not sure why that happens, but it does. it ties us together in some way. but never, never, should you feel the need to apologize for the way you feel. god gave you those emotions, and he wants you to poor them out to him.
with that said, my heart breaks for you. it sounds like you hear all you need to, and i don't even pretend to know what to say, except i love you, and you know tj and i back you 100%. you're an amazing woman, and i wish we could do more than pray....although that is really the most powerful thing we can do.
also, i don't want to push you into adoption before you are ready...i'm not saying adoption should be the path for you, but i read an article written the other day about a mother who gave her baby up, and i thought of you...
while interviewing an adoptive mother, this "mom" explained her struggles with infertility, and the deep desire to have a baby, and not understanding why god wouldn't allow her body to work right. the biological mom, having already fallen in love with this "mother-to-be", and desiring this mom to be her baby's mother, said, "i know why, because if god had given you your own baby, you wouldn't have room for mine - and so you couldn't be the answer to my prayer. i, too, have been on my knees pleading before the lord."
you and matt are in our prayers! i don't say that lightly either. you are both amazing people and i hate to see you upset. so know that ryan and i will be praying for you both daily!!! and i'm with brandy, don't apologize b/c this is what we are here for...just to listen. when you share your heart, we can better pray for your needs.
I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry. :( That would be such a very hard thing to hear your doctor say. No one could possibly advise you on what you should do next.. but I definitely am praying for you guys.
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